I guess at my very core, I am a philosopher. I have not had a good life, yet I know the goodness and grace of God to an extraordinary extent. I don't have many friends, yet I trust a very small number of teacher friends, love my husband, and would do anything for my kids. I have had many failures and a few surprising successes. I have had the desire to do great things and have had people push back, and I have had expectations that I could not meet.
My biggest fault is the feeling that I am not worthy or good enough to do what I do. It doesn't help when there is always someone who shows me that they are more deserving and can do it better. This is what I call Negative Pride. Being prideful is a belief that what you do is grand, highly important, and only you can do it or be the person to get it done. Some prideful people believe that they are important to the world because of their skills or knowledge, believing they are the only ones who have that combination of skills and knowledge. Negative pride is when you view your skills and knowledge as not enough or worthy of doing whatever task you are doing. Constantly comparing yourself to others is a fault in one's mental state. So, how do we overcome this? Discovering the "why" of what you do and who you are is the first step.
Remembering your why has become a cliche among teachers today. I believe it is because it has become more of a statement than a question. Instead of saying that we should remember our why, we should be seriously asking ourselves why. Instead of having an Admin or person in authority tell us to remember our why, we should be privately journaling or asking ourselves this hard question. Yet, when we do, we cannot be afraid of the answers we come up with. This leads me to divulge why I left the ministry. I began to ask myself why I was in ministry and why I had the passions I had. I discovered almost too late that my passions for ministry did not match the ministry I was in. Why was I almost too late? The answer to that question is for another blog at another point in time.
In asking myself "why", I also found myself asking what I believe are my gifts, skills, and passions. As I asked myself those questions, I caught myself from thinking about anyone else, whether it was in comparison or in a feeling that I had to measure up to someone's expectations. I always brought the question back to myself. I began to seek the why in cases that I had no expectations or even responsibilities. This may sound harsh when you have responsibilities such as being a wife or mother. Yet, remember, true love transcends expectations. Those who love you want the best version of yourself. When you are burning out or have already burned out, you cannot meet those needed expectations for those closest to you. You have to know who you are and what you are good at doing to do your best in life. Meeting the expectations of God first will help you know who you are when you are at your best. Then you bring your best into other relationships in your life. Then you can bring your best to your job and career.
So, ask yourself privately, as only God will know, why are you doing what you are doing? What are you passionate about doing? What are you good at in terms of gifts and skills, and do those things bring you joy? Now, how can you incorporate those passions, gifts, and skills into your relationships and into your career? Don't be afraid if you find it difficult to incorporate your passions, gifts, and skills into your career. Maybe it is time to think about a change. Prayerfully consider your future. Prayerfully consider your mental health and your family, the most meaningful relationships. Then you will know your why. But don't just remember your why, ask yourself about your why when you need a reminder.
As always, God is with you.
